always darkest before the dawn
I didn't get the job.
I packed up my life and moved back to Australia.
I broke up with him.
And I couldn’t even say goodbye to friends.
All over 36 hours...
BLOODY, STUPID, FRIGGIN’ COVID-19
potential breakup song
Breakup letter to my stupid ass boyfriend who thinks the media is making this all up and that money is more important than human lives. ( I’m a RN and I care deeply about living things)
I should of left you in the summer when you killed the furry caterpillar for no good reason.
I don’t have any room for people like you. I wish this virus would only knock out people who don’t care about others humans but it won’t. It gets grandmas, mothers, the good men who spend their whole loves loving and helping people.. they get it bc of idiots like you who are in denial and keep living life as if it’s not on fire around them. Enjoy your money and freedom, enjoy not thinking about the pain and suffering of people around the world. I hope your lack of compassion and selfishness gets you far in life. We are obviously not compatible at a very deep level, I didn’t realize you were a Donald Trump (I like him more than you at this point). Hard times show peoples true colors, I know this from my life’s experiences, add this one to the list.
Sincerely, your ex girlfriend.
she is everything
She is the moon fresh-risen,
Ensnared by pestilent sky,
Worlds captive Queen,
Acrowned, abeam,
Round and dark and bright
She is the moon fresh-risen.
On sun too soonly set,
Cross ceaseless tides,
Of starless nights,
Where I and grief both slept
She is the moon fresh-risen,
Her astro-nut alip,
To pair Corona,
With old Verona,
Fair Luna and her 'tic
such is life
Granted, my relationship of a few years had somewhat exceeded its expiration date when the pandemic began, but I thought we could help each other through it, maybe even get us back on track. We live in the same building but in different apartments. I hadn't gotten any affection from him for weeks, he'd gotten too wound up planning his personal apocalypse to spend time together. I brought him food sometimes and said hey but let him have the space he obviously wanted. So I was slow to warm up when he randomly showed up for sex one night--even though quarantines make me horny, I was thinking too much. Perhaps he noticed my distraction, because he suddenly stopped, said he was taking advantage of me, that he's totally fine without sex for years on end, that he'd do a better job as my friend, and broke up. Whatever bro, sure it was inevitable but c'mon, really? Like that? Right now? Ass.
And yet, I'm still reflecting on how it could have gone differently if I'd just put his dick in my mouth or something. C'est la vie.
untitled #4
Last February, I left a long, lonely marriage and moved to a new city. I had been thinking a lot about the societal changes that are coming in the next few decades and decided I wanted to live in this city for a while and experience all it had to offer before disaster transformed it. I really thought I’d have more time…
A couple months after I arrived here, following some lackluster dates, getting ghosted, etc., I met someone amazing. We’ve been together a year now, living together for 9 months. While we were on vacation 2 months ago, we had some serious conversations about planning our future together and what that could look like. In a year or so, we decided, we’d move abroad with their family, establish their business, try for kids, build a house and a life together… We booked travel plans for later in the spring to scout out our new location.
All of that was probably a lot in itself, and perhaps it was too much for someone who’s a lot younger than I am, with major anxiety. (We both have anxiety, PTSD, depression…) We had always agreed that polyamory was on the table, and a few weeks after that conversation, my partner took a chance to open up our relationship. I’ve always been open to that, and I wanted to be happy for them. But I wasn’t always pleased with the way my partner handled things early on. Still, I was proud of how we were able to talk through those initial difficulties and miscommunications. I was hopeful.
Then coronavirus came along. I started to prep early, even as I worried I’d be judged negatively for doing it before anyone took it seriously, feeling anxious because metamour seemed so carefree and I was so serious. I felt like someone’s uncool mother. But I don’t regret prepping. I got what we needed early, which turned out to be for the best. Since then, things have become bleaker and bleaker. Our city is now locked down. My partner lost their job; everyone in their family lost their jobs. We canceled our trip. My partner and their family are now planning to relocate way earlier than we’d hoped, without me, to protect the parents and escape a situation where none of them can work without being at risk.
When my partner lost their job a week and a half ago, they basically lost it and disappeared for much of last week. They stayed with their family and metamour longer than they’d told me they would, as they processed their feelings and made plans. They only returned right before lockdown time, which is when they let me know the family was making plans to relocate as soon as possible. By the time they returned, I’d basically resigned myself to dying alone—or at least weathering this time alone—assuming their distance meant something was wrong. Everything is wrong for everyone right now, though, and I’ve tried to be compassionate, given what we’re all going through. I offered my help with the relocation. All of this is unprecedented in our lifetimes, and their situation is untenable. There’s no point in fighting about it, I thought. At least we’d be locked down for a while before they left, so we’d have this time together.
But for the past day, they’ve been gone again, visiting metamour for a mental health day, once again staying longer than they said they would. They’re supposed to be back late tonight, so we’ll have basically lost the better part of two days we could’ve spent together. It feels like an eternity at this moment in time. I’m thankful to be working remotely, to have the means to support us, to have something constructive to do, but I’ve been at home by myself for fully half of the three weeks I’ve been self-isolating now. I’m starting to grieve all that I thought we had, all of our plans, all the warmth and joy that seems to be slipping away. I’ve offered them everything and it’s still not enough—not that it should be transactional, but as in my last relationship, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting much in return. The only person I feel like I can count on right now is myself.
Along those lines, I’m still supporting my ex from afar. I had been to some extent since I left last year, as they have several risk factors that can easily put them in the hospital, and last Friday they lost their job. My support now feels imperative to their survival. So that has postponed finalizing my divorce, perhaps indefinitely. I’m in an entirely different city than my ex but still feel tied here by my lease and these obligations—I would relocate early with my partner if I thought I’d find a safe, stable, supportive place to land on the other side, but with everything so uncertain right now, I think I’m going to have to wait. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that some of the things I want simply may never happen on this timeline.
One of my best friends also lost their job yesterday. I’ve pledged to do what I can to help if need be. I’m here for everyone materially and financially, because I have the means to be, but I don’t feel like I have a lot of support emotionally or physically. I feel so alone already, and my partner isn’t even gone yet. I’m facing down months of alone time when they go, this being a terrible time to start something casual. At least I have pets and a job, but what I really want is love and support.
alarming, to say the least
I'm in New Zealand. Living with my parents and my little sister who I've never really got around to developing an adult relationship with - it's always been 'you took my!' 'you ruined my!' with us. I'm not 100% sure who she is as a person now but I guess I'll find out.
No non-essential leaving of the premises.
My boyfriend of several years lives alone; I won't see him until this is over.
My father decided that getting an alarm system installed TODAY was ESSENTIAL. Yes, the alarm system he had previously wanted to have installed 'because we'll all be out all day when your sister starts university'. THIS IS QUARANTINE. NONE OF US IS OUT EVER. even me. at home, I'm not out. know how hard it is to be fully in the closet and not able to visit with ANYONE who knows who you really are without someone eavesdropping on you?
But back to the alarm system. These poor guys from the alarm company are here in the house trying to install things. Dad is 'supervising' (micromanaging). Usually tradespeople who come to the house come when he's at work; they get off lightly. He's not at work today.
I'm hiding in my room. I haven't left my six-foot-square bedroom all day and it's after noon.
I might go set the alarm off tonight.
we’re all in this together
For the last year, my former stay at home Dad husband has been working crazy hours to contribute to the family income - most of which is funded by me. Since his employer closed due to Covid-19, he's been home and homeschooling our son. Somehow, the three of us are more at peace with and appreciative of each other than ever. Never has there been more positive attitude or less complaining. Our son's 7th birthday party had to be cancelled and he has not complained at all. He misses school and we miss friends but we are coming together to find the positive. It must be admitted that privilege is playing a role - our stresses are not nearly what some other people are experiencing. We have jointly made decisions to help support local businesses, contribute to local food banks and offer help to our neighbors. These are scary times but I will never ever forget the way we pulled together.
no soup for you!
My boyfriend and I drove 11 hours north, stopping once for gas. We almost broke up 3 separate times during the drive. Tensions are running high. Today I kicked him while he was stirring soup on the stove and that made me feel a little better.
all you can do is your best, at your best you are love
I think my boyfriend has been avoiding me even though we live in the same house. I suggest a walk together, he says he just wants to do his own thing. I ask if he wants to cook together, he says not interested. I suggest a movie, he says he heard it was bad but doesn't recommend another option. Intimacy? Forget it. We have never been in closer proximity, but I've never felt so far apart. The more I try, the more I'm disappointed. It's so sad because I thought things were going so well, but since the quarantine he's made me feel so insignificant. Maybe this has revealed what was underlying all along, that I like him more than he likes me. But I have to delay the convo because I'm now unemployed and have no where else to go.
canine uprising
I’m self isolating with my two small dogs. All started out well, and they appeared to be accepting of our new normal which involves no long walks, no visits to the beach, and a rationing of treats. However, they wake up from their naps every time I start a conference call and proceed to bark nonstop until the call ends. I had an important meeting yesterday, so I locked myself in the office for the 30 minute call. When I opened the door, I was expecting to see evidence of their anger - chewed shoes, unrolled TP etc. But all seemed in order, until I went to fold my laundry. Each item has been chewed and has at least one hole. Self- isolating is getting expensive.
Today isn’t getting any better. I’ve run out of their favourite treats and a mini revolt is underway.
better belize it
My partner and I have had a long standing plan to retire to Belize in 10-20 years. At the beginning of this outbreak, I pointed out that Belize didn't have any cases. I checked yesterday and saw that Belize had one case now. When I told him that, he said "well, there goes our escape plan", I replied with "you're my escape plan".
He already works from home so this isn't new for him. I am now working from home, which I always had the capacity to do, just never really took advantage of. Working on a laptop is not conducive to really productive work for me. We avoid working in the same space so as not to annoy each other. But we have been having lunch together, which is really nice. He eats chips way too loudly though!
send someone else your thoughts
Husband's first day ever working from home.
I wad testing a mindfulness session for our service users (I work for a charity). I had my headphones on.
Just as the meditation asked us to "Bring to mind someone in your life who is supportive of you. Send them loving thoughts...it might be a spouse, a partner..." my husband started smirking and loudly farted. Loud enough for me to hear over headphones.
in our garden
Before things started kicking off I was very lonely and spent hours on dating apps like it was my job.
Then the lockdown hit and my roommate moved her boyfriend of a few months into our (small) place along with a ton of his stuff.
I decided I couldn't take 6 weeks or more stuck indoors being the third wheel surrounded by piles of clutter, so I decided to leave and go to my mother's place.
I was considering moving back anyway, so this forced trial run is actually useful in a way. She's driving me up the wall but at least she has a garden.
little feline princeling
I live in France, while my daughter lives in Russia. Not seeing or being with her right now is so painful since our borders closed two weeks ago, and god knows how long this will last.
But the real pain is that she left me her cat when she moved in there. And boy, this little a**hole is a drama queen. He won’t stop meowing and crying all day long about his litter which never seems clean enough for him, while, you know, everything-is-closed-and-grocery-stores-are-emptied-out-of-everything-except-maybe for-urinal-cakes.
We might survive to this, but the cat may not.
schadenfreude
I’m secretly happy we can’t go outside.
Less opportunities for him to meet someone new.
in another world
After our previous relationships fell apart, our friendship turned an abrupt corner into something potentially new and full of starshine. The day the reality of the virus hit he told me we can't do this right now and we have to go back to being friends. I'm alone in my home, he's far away (miles and more), and my heart is scattered in a thousand pieces of whatcouldhavebeen.
can u keep a secret?
it’s 7pm. my roommate slowly enters my bedroom. i pause from reading. “can i tell you a secret?” she asks. i LIVE for secrets, especially during a pandemic. i implore her to continue. “i didn’t brush my teeth today” she replies back. whoa. wasn’t expecting that. but it was comforting because i too did not brush my teeth today.
days of my lives
My boyfriend and I had been together for nearly three years when we broke up during the holidays, after I was raped by my ex, and the present boyfriend did not know how to process it and said he needed to spend time working on himself and accomplishing some of his goals like starting a business. He moved out of our house and I live there alone now.
As much as that makes him sound heartless, it’s complicated, and I ultimately still love him.
We’ve continued hooking up occasionally over the last few months, when I’ve initiated it, and he tells me that he still loves me and deeply cares about me, and that this isn’t about him wanting to be with other people but just to work on himself because he can tell he’s not ready for the kind of relationship we were in.
So jump forward to now, and I had thought about asking him if he’d want to get quarantined here with me rather than with his three college-aged roommates he doesn’t know, because as masochistic as it is, I’d rather be having great sex and have someone here who makes me laugh and to keep busy with than to continue being isolated alone.
But yesterday I went to pickup my ipad I hadn’t used in a few months and realized he was still logged into his google calendar, as there was a notification on the screen that said “hang out with *girl’s name*”. He and I had plans to go for a walk today and I had planned to ask him if he wanted to be here with me, but I asked him if we could facetime instead of meeting to walk. I asked him about it and he said he had been on tinder and had gone on a date with this girl.
I know I couldn’t expect him to never date again but damn. He only moved out two months ago and has still been saying he loved me but needed to work on himself. Funny, he also didn’t mention working on his business at all, now that we’re supposed to be staying home and all.
I don’t know if I should just get over it because it still might be better to have someone here, in terms of short term sanity/happiness, (I’ve never been someone who NEEDS a man, but come on, an extrovert alone in my house for several weeks with no job? I’m gonna lose my mind! But then on the other hand, maybe if he were here, I’d just get to a point of wanting to kill him for being such an unbelievable asshat and coward?! ... hard to say...
Wow, this was long but I feel better! Hope someone else can find solace in the temporary soap opera of my life.