single and solo

Well this sucks! I’m single and live alone. I miss my vibrant social life. I miss my lunch breaks with my colleagues, travelling for work, fitness classes and dinners out with friends. The marathon I was training for was delayed twice. My theatre tickets were refunded. Weddings abroad aren’t happening. My solo surfing trip was cancelled too. I’m grateful for my flat, job and health but I’ve lost my sense of purpose. I call loved ones to see how they are, but when they say they’re busy and hang up, I realise I’m calling people more for me. The stories of being on top of your signification other and arguing with them over petty things, are so far removed from my experiences. I envy them. I guess I’m just really lonely.

no more quiet mornings

During the early months of covid, my college daughter returned home from college and we discovered that we each like getting up early to enjoy "quiet morning" time, making it not so quiet. Then my son came home shortly thereafter, and he too enjoyed his coffee quiet time. So neither of us was getting our usual start to the day and a 4 bedroom house all of a sudden felt small. The greatest love story for us, was we each learned to love ourselves a little to a lot more.

bomb squad

My partner and I had relationship issues before this and then we had two separate coronavirus experiences: me being a hospital worker and he being unemployed since March. We broke up in August and I have felt the reverberations of a bomb exploding on my life while simultaneously reliving the warning signs pre-2020.

it’s a love story

We spend the first months of lockdown in his apartment. He used to live with 3 other roommates, so we were mostly in his room. All. The. Time. Don’t know how, but through intense ups and downs, we survived that. As things got better in the summer, we decided to escape NYC and go visit his family for a couple weeks... which turned out to be 2 months because at the third week, I got in a life threatening accident. I got hospitalized for 5 days and suffered from a pretty severe TBI, which took 3 months to recover from. Fast forward 5 months, we now live together, have two kitties and feel that we can survive and bear with absolutely anything that comes our way.

crossroads

My boyfriend and I started dating in the beginning of the year. When the lockdown started, we escaped to upstate ny. What was supposed to be a two weeks gateway became a 7 months road trip across the country. We fell in love with each other, grew together and had many adventures together. Then one day, he decided to continue his journey solo. I stayed in the west coast broken-hearted and he went back to NYC. I am sad now but very grateful for spending 2020 with him.

small house, big stress

My mom and I get along really well. We have been on the same page with staying safe since the start of the pandemic. I recently moved home to be with her though and am finding that her husband isn’t exactly on the same page. It’s making things stressful to say the least. But if I moved out I’d just worry about her more but she might be less worried about me. Small house, big stress, lots of love. Thank you for the outlet so I don’t scream.

leaving an abusive relationship

I was living with my partner when social isolation arose. We were no longer getting along at the time, and spending all hours of every day together made it even more difficult to me. I would have to do my therapy sessions in my room, so I left a radio playing on the door to avoid leaking, as the sessions were very focused on my relationship difficulties. After one of these sessions, I decided that I was no longer able to keep calm and carry on. Then I broke up, he left very pissed off and tried to harm me. Only after some more therapy sessions I was able to identify that I as in an abusive relationship. I learned that changes in a pandemic are not easy, but it is better to feel good inside your home and comfortable with your mind and heart than to suffer from the fear of change. And after all, the pandemic did me good: it accelerated what was already going to happen, without further sufferings.

you deserve better

Nine months and counting. My husband has not had sex with me. Before then eight months and before that six months. I am now realizing that our relationship was done years ago and I wish I had left when things weren’t good then. But what makes me mad and sad is that I actually care to be in this relationship because I have not known any other relationship for almost twenty years now. But I can't be in a relationship where your partner couldn’t care whether you existed or not. I wish I could be in a relationship where my partner actually felt some lust for me. But then again, should I be in this relationship at all? Given I have two kids with this man I just go through the motions. Other day he said, “I know you cry every night and I don’t care. Hope you keep on.”

“Ew.”

I started sleeping with my ex in august (pretty late into the pandemic) and now we are a Covid pod. We both live alone and .3 miles from each other. It’s like I’m living in a weird alternate universe. He’s the only person I see mask-less, touch, and allow into my home. I’m going to tell him I love him this spring (when he inevitably downloads dating apps and I freak out) and I know he’s going to say he’s not interested. I shouldn’t be doing this right now but it’s all I have. Ew.

8 months later

I broke up with my girlfriend of close to four years. We had been living together for a little over a year when Covid hit. Disagreements on how seriously to take the pandemic and health recommendations were causing fights, progressively getting worse and worse. It led to a lot of bottled up emotions, miscommunication, and toxic behavior from both of us. Not going to go into too much detail, but I lashed out a handful of times in frustration and really just didn’t handle things gracefully. We both tried reconnecting and healing each other at different times after she had moved out, but the attempts never coincided and were usually met with defensiveness, insecurity, and/or hostility. The communication problems that started it all kinda kept snowballing onward. I’ve since been able to come to an understanding of the whole situation and can think back on our actions rationally, seeing the good and bad on both sides. Coming up on eight months after the break and I still think about her every day, but she (understandably) wants nothing to do with me after the damage and hurt we’ve caused each other. I carry a lot of regret for how I treated her, even if it might have been right to end things. I miss her and hope she’s doing okay.

suffering in silence

I’ve been secretly seeing a man for over 7 years in a long distance relationship. Absolutely no one in my life knows or would even suspect it. I had to keep this very quiet. Why we have to do this is a story for another website I suppose. It’s been the most intense and euphoric relationship I have ever been in. Lockdown made things hard as f*ck. I live with my parents. Something as simple as a phone conversation became a covert operation. FaceTime was almost non existent and under grainy lamp light in the small hours of the morning when we were both exhausted and falling asleep. He finally briefly returned in July. I was alight with energy. Tension. Dying for his touch. Expectations of the reunion so high that it quickly became clear that I had missed him so much more than he did me. I am starting to feel that I can’t be in another relationship where I give so much more and don’t feel it reciprocated. There have been other signs - this just feels like confirmation. I feel suddenly very trapped. A 7 year secret relationship means no one knows how heartbroken you will be at the other end of it. No one can comfort you. No one knows how much of your existence you dedicated to this man or the sacrifices you made. It’s preventing me walking away because on the other side I know I’ll be unable to explain my wounds or the impact of this sudden void to anyone. I secretly hope someone I know will read this and figure it out and just know to be there for me one day without acknowledging it ever happened.

in love during lockdown

My boyfriend and I started dating last December and fell in love almost immediately. Then quarantine hits and we had to make the decision between living with each other in tiny student accommodation or not seeing each other at all. Long story short: he moved in, we got engaged and have since been planning our life together. I’m so in love and despite how isolating lockdown has been, I’ve never been more excited for the future.

need therapy for my therapy

Right now I feel like an eggshell plaintiff. I just lost it on my therapist—screaming and swearing to try to explain to her why losing Ruth Bader Ginsburg is so significant to American democracy. She told me "there's nothing we can do about it. It's just politics." I said, ‘Yes, actually there is something we can do about it, we can call our senators.’ She said, ‘Okay well you can do that after your test.’ Then she goes onto say ‘I think they're naming the nominee today.’ No, she did not. Oh wait, yes, she fucking did. I lost it. I said, ‘I know he's shameless, but I swear to God if he names his nominee while her body lies at the Supreme Court for her family to mourn, I just can't. I don't think we share the same political views.’ She said, ‘Why do you think that?’—Trying to psychoanalyze my statement. I finally asked her, "aAe you a republican?" She said "I'm moderate. I do everything in moderation." I said ‘Well this isn't just politics to me. This is very personal and has me seriously losing faith in democracy. This is about fundamental rights and civil liberties. This is about free and fair elections. This is about whether the government can make decisions about my body.’ I think she voted for Trump and now I need a new therapist.

mommy and ME TIME

I love my family. But I wish things were easier. I gave birth to my son, my second child, during month 3 of quarantine following an already scary pregnancy and years of infertility. My 4-year-old daughter, already showing signs of anxiety due to the pandemic and sudden closure of her preschool, has responded to the arrival of her baby brother by having several daily accidents - both kinds! - following a year of being potty-trained. At least she’s going OK with being homeschooled...most of the time...because this mama teacher is not doing as well. If all that weren’t stressful enough, our 12-year-old dog started having constant accidents as well because her heart disease has worsened and her medications have increased. Also, my husband, in a bid to lose the covid 15, started running only to almost immediately suffer stress fractures near BOTH knees, which rendered him partially immobile for weeks. At least baby boy seems to be blissfully oblivious to it all and is also letting everybody get a good night’s sleep jk jk... Counting my blessings but also working to (literally) mop up what’s left of this horrible year.

profess my love, or at least fuck

I moved in to my ex’s apartment while he was in Europe for two months. I loved walking around naked in his apartment. Kind of like a dog marking its turf. But it was lonely. And I missed him. Now he’s back. I was so geared up to profess my love, or at least fuck. But he has been sleeping for two days and won’t stop saying he’s exhausted. I’m exhausted too. And I haven’t gotten laid since we broke up. Are you exhausted???

wedding woes

It’s almost been a year since my fiancé proposed to me. We started planning our wedding immediately after he proposed. We found a venue and booked our date. We found a photographer that took gorgeous pictures. We scheduled tastings with caters and eventually picked one. Soon, coronavirus started to hit the U.S. hard and most of the country went into lockdown. Never the less, we continued forward with our wedding planning. Since our wedding is in the Spring of 2021, we felt like coronavirus would all be over by then. We did agree that if things were still bad by our next big payment to our vendors, we would reassess the situation. Unfortunately nothing has gotten better. Coronavirus is still here and doesn’t look like it’s going away any time soon. My fiancé and I are in the situation we never thought we would be in. We decided to call off our wedding and down size to a small ceremony and reception with only our parents, siblings, and a few close friends. I have such mixed feelings right now. I’m upset because this is all not fair. On the other hand, I can’t live with the stress and anxiety of trying to go through with a “normal” wedding all while a global pandemic is going on! I do feel some relief, both emotionally and financially, that were down sizing. I hope that we’re making the right decision?

love after lockdown

I was dating this guy for a few months when we were out of the first lockdown. We had great fun trying to enjoy moments of normal life for a while: having long and great chats, exploring coffee shops, going to movies and walking around on sunny days. When we entered the second lockdown, the problem between us started surfacing and we just stopped talking to each other. Now we came out of lockdown again, and whatever I do trying to restore my life back to normal reminds me of him. Maybe life is just ever-changing and I can never find the normalcy that I'm constantly looking for. But that's exactly the good thing about life, isn't it?

bananagate

so today whilst nearly 4 weeks into having sciatica and crawling in my hands and knees to do stuff by myself I finally relent and ask for 2 toast, buttered, sliced banana, drizzle of honey and a coffee. Text it to my now very ex fiance to which he replied ‘Ok xxx’. What I get is toast and a whole banana in its skin. What ensued was the end of our 5 year relationship which consisted of me hysterically crying for over an hour, him trying to comfort me, me screaming at him to get his hands off me and then him trying to suffocate me with the duvet. And other stuff too. Just wanted to be looked after for just once. Crazy Italian.

all about empathy

I started talking to a guy from high school around the height of the protests in May. We’d gone on a date two years earlier and though it was all good and quite fine, I told him after that I would never date someone from my hometown. This time around, though, I was lonely and feeling a little bit of buzz around our connection. I said fuck it and we decided to hang out from afar and quickly committed to being monogamous quarantine dating pals. We went on a lot of walks, had sex in his Prius, watched Pose and cried together, and joyfully slept in his tiny bed full of spiders for three months. He just broke up with me over the phone and told me he “couldn’t meet me where I’m at.” He’s now back on tinder, with “all about empathy” in his bio. Should’ve run when he started asking me “how my heart was” every day.

wfh luxuries

I’ve been working from home for five months now. Gone are the days of commuting to work on the train and juggling six thousand life balls in the air. I can actually breath better now, take a proper shit, spend meaningful time with my kids and make healthy dinners. I didn’t realise what a bad life shape I was in before lockdown. I was living on adrenaline and shallow breathing all day. My fear now is the curtains will be lifted and hectic life shit will splatter me all over again.