love hard, wash your hands

We were effectively quarantined for months before the CV19 craze hit American shores. We are in love with our new child and enjoying all the parental moments we are getting with her. More importantly, the hazy fog of new parenthood is being lifted since there is time to do real work on the relationship instead of our schedules turning us into passing ships in the night. Too tired to hang out has become what can we accomplish together next, and I'm loving it. All of these disasters we are enduring are also stripping away the fat of our society and reminding us of what is important, what truly endures. That's the kind of thinking that makes sure humanity survives. Love hard, wash your hands, and hold the incompetent responsible for this mess.

it’s me and the two cats

My housemates are out of town, so it's me and the two cats. I honestly felt like things were okay until the word dropped at work that, effective tomorrow, no one comes in except critical staff. I'm not critical staff and had already expressed interest in telework anyways, but was told business as usual until we got the things we needed to work from home. I'm lucky that I get paid for this, but... I'm really bad at sudden changes to my routine and schedule. I'm not... as okay with this as I present myself to be. I have a massive sack full of work I can (and look forward to do) but part of my joy was actually GOING to work and being in the atmosphere with my coworkers. Together. My sister is out of work. Who knows what will happen to my folks' jobs. My aunt lost hers too. Things feel so eerie and out of place. Folks, check on your anxiety prone and autistic friends and family; we are not as okay as we're pretending to be.

they found the tweets

last Sat I came down w a VICIOUS respiratory infection. like sleep 18 hrs a day, stare at a wall in fevered delirium the other 6, cough all day and night, vicious. so i'm self-isolating obv. Thurs I tell my roommates that I've been sick & we have a whole conversation abt quarantine protocols, roommates not stopping at "are you ok/do you need anything" before jumping straight to "how dare you inconvenience us with your illness". my roommates, ms "secret girlfriend practically lives with us" and ms "constant parade of strangers without asking", continue to bring guests to our home, constantly occupy our common spaces so I can't get food, etc etc. so I'm minding my own business tweeting angrily about them. and then they FOUND. MY. TWITTER. now ms "showering with secret gf in our communal shower" and ms "aggressive in the group chat about a hair in the kitchen even though her cat's hair is all over the house" want to lecture ME about decency & consideration while they've been LITERALLY endangering me & my currently vulnerable lungs. they want an APOLOGY for my tweets (on my personal twitter which they do not follow!) while they literally complain to each other about me every day in our house while i am home. ms "constant strangers in our house with nary a word to anyone" would in particular like me to know that I am "childish" for not "communicating." I am just trying to mind my own business and not get pneumonia here but they seem DETERMINED to have a fight and it is going to be M E S S Y.

divorce

my husband chugged his coffee yesterday (literally said, "hey see this coffee? watch this.") and then shit his pants 1 hr later. walked to the bathroom holding his butt cheeks together and did not make it. he did not think the two were related. his shorts and underwear are in a plastic bag. i told him to take a shower and he got mad at me saying "i showered this morning!"

honestly, there is no way we make it through this.

there’s a reason i don’t home school my kids

Stuck at home with a strong willed, hormonal twelve-year old daughter who's just found out she will not be able to see her first boyfriend (whom she loves and plans to marry). Needless to say she is not a happy camper and is making all of our lives miserable. School has been cancelled for three weeks during which time parents have been instructed to not view this as a vacation and to keep our children busy with schoolwork (which the school has not provided). I am not a teacher and there's a reason I don't home school my kids. On day one, said daughter spent the equivalent of the few hours we told her to spend on schoolwork (three hours less than she normally would spend at school) stomping around protesting that this was an unreasonable amount of time. Tears and arguing followed during which she informed her father and I that she is "mentally more mature" than we are. Not sure we will survive another three weeks of this. Thank God she has an iPad to communicate with the new boyfriend. At least that gives us a few hours a day with some peace.

party of 8

My family of four sold our home at the end of February, a few days before a F-4 tornado hit our city. Then, a few days after that, the COVID-19 quarantine began. As a result I, my husband, our two daughters, our dog, two cats, and pet mouse are living in the small space above my in-law’s two car garage (without any plumbing) until all this blows over and we can purchase our next home.

scheming an escape to a cabin

My boyfriend and I broke up last Tuesday before things really started to shut down around the city. It was mutual and amicable. He got a new job in San Diego and I am staying here to begin my PhD this fall. He wasn’t planning to leave for another few weeks so we continued life as good friends/roommates. He went home for the weekend to be with his family on his birthday and came back totally cold. We’re both stuck in our one-bedroom in an attempt at social distancing, though it has quickly transformed into emotional distancing as well. Only a week after the breakup, he is now in the other room scheming an escape to a cabin in Arizona with a guy he used to date until everything settles down. He wants to fly out tomorrow and this is suddenly our last night together. I stand in solidarity with all of the other messy situations and relationships being altered in unforeseen ways by this pandemic. We are in this together, apart.

at least they’re stocked up on alcohol

I am a student in New York City and was forced to move back home to Colorado after my school kicked us out of the dorms. Although I love Colorado and the opportunity it gives me to cleanse from the chaos of the city, I can't live with my parents. Do I love them? Yes. But are they certifiably insane when it comes to handling situations like this? Definitely yes. One of my dad's all time favorite movies is "The Day After Tomorrow." That alone should tell you how this story is going to go. He is the kind of person who keeps two giant barrels of water, a stack of canned food, and an array of apocalypse worthy guns waiting in the basement for a scenario similar to this. He's had these here for years. Like I said. Certifiably insane. So when the coronavirus pandemic began, naturally he bought 200 rolls of toilet paper, 24 candles, water preserver concentrate, and enough food, beer, and ammo to last us at least a year. For the past 3 days I've been living with them and my sister and it's been complete chaos. Today, they brought home 30 planks of plywood to board up our house in case the neighbors "run out of water and toilet paper and try to come take ours." Although I don't have a romantic or dramatic quarantine love story, I have one that involves a doomsday prepper, a blindly supportive wife, an anxiety prone daughter, and me-a daughter who would probably rather be quarantined alone in NYC than in a house that's making a virus seem like a nuclear bomb. At least they're stocked up on alcohol.

“don’t get relationship tattoos”

A week ago, my partner of ten years broke up with me with very little warning. I came home from work and he had an IPad note full of reasons why it wasn’t working out. For context on how little warning I received, he had gotten a tattoo to commemorate our tenth anniversary two weeks earlier (classic, right? Don’t get relationship tattoos!). I was devastated for about two days before it became clear that I do not need his dead weight following me into the coming apocalypse. All of my friends and family have been incredible, even in this difficult climate. They all have taken a moment to tell me he is trash, lazy, and a waste of my time. During the big “break up talk” he kept reiterating how much he babies me and takes care of me, but this crisis really brought to light how little he did for me and how much he relied on me for everything. I was really turning into a glorified nanny to an underemployed adult. Cut to the full LA lockdown, he has not done any shopping, we are both working from home, and he is incredibly angry because he isn’t receiving the type of sympathy from his family he thought he would. I was planning to ride out the pandemic, and the last 30 days of our lease, in our apartment out of stubbornness, but now I’m packing my snacks and the dog and moving to my brother’s house. Nothing like a pandemic to remind you you’re going to be ok!

NSFZoom

MY WHOLE COMPANY JUST SAW ME AND MY GF ALMOST MAKE OUT My girlfriend and I are both lucky enough to have jobs we can work remotely—and jobs, period—so we joined the mass Manhattan exodus yesterday. We holed up at her family's house in Connecticut, and we were ready to ride out the rona free of social interaction and, therefore, social awkwardness. So much for that. This morning, my company held our weekly all-hands over Zoom, the video conferencing app—I do, in fact, work at a startup. I'm in her kitchen, and I've downloaded Zoom without breaking anything, and I'm drinking coffee. Everything's humming right along. Then—as I'm sipping my joe and digitally attending my startup's all-hands like a certified professional—my girlfriend approaches me from behind, says something like "Heyyyyy der my bobo," and, what with my being her bobo and all, I turn around, and we *almost* make out. I say almost because, just as we're about to initiate some light morning Frenching, I realize: My entire company is watching us almost make out right now. I panic. My next move is to execute something between a push and a swat, effectively shoving her out of frame, bringing forth a whole new wave of embarrassment. Namely, to the 35 headphone-donning dudes and dudettes looking on mouths agape, did it look like I just beat up my girlfriend? One who I had nearly tongue-kissed nanoseconds earlier? I have no idea what action items I must action or which deliverables to deliver this week. For the rest of this morning’s fateful all-hands, I could only think of my girlfriend and I’s near-makeout. We’re working through this faux-pocalypse in our own ways.

“This IS a hispanic household”

Day 4 of social distancing with the family. My mother had a full on breakdown when she found out Pechanga casino shut down. It’s getting serious when the casino shuts down! Trying to keep the peace by playing family games such as heads up. This quickly turned into a fight between my mother and bro when he decided he’d rather play fortnite. I think it’s best for my mom and step dad to social distance from each other within the house otherwise all hell will really break loose. Last night my step dad turned off the christmas lights in my sisters room bc they’re “unsafe” and this somehow led my mother to argue with him. This IS a hispanic house hold so you can imagine how loud that was. I sneezed a couple times the other night and my mom was ready to lock me up in my room lol. Luckily I get a break from the chaos at home bc the gym I work at has yet to shut down. Unluckily have to be around so many people at work who aren’t taking this all seriously. (i hope they’re at least washing their hands !)

I couldn’t help but wonder

My girlfriend of 7 yrs and I live together and have been on the rocks for at LEAST the past year. We’re in therapy at least until our therapist's office inevitably closes or starts cancelling due to Corona – it’s a low-cost, high-use place with a sliding scale so it's just a matter of time (drafted this Friday and chickened out on pressing send but the office is officially closed now). The therapy is the only thing holding us together, by a thin string, mostly because I feel like I owe it to her and myself to give it a real chance before I throw away 7yrs (it feels like a marriage! but maybe that's the lesbian in me? lol) . We haven't had sex in way too long and we fight, like have a real big blowout about all the shit that has built up, basically once a week at this point and it would be more if we hadn’t learned about and started respecting each other’s resiliency zones. Thanks therapy! Despite the progress in therapy, I’ve been working myself up to break up with her for the past two weekends and thought I had more time... The fact that both of our jobs thankfully allow us to work from home right now means that we’ll be together 24/7 and ... I just know I don’t have the capacity for any more fights about things we often can’t resolve unless we process in therapy. *carrie bradshaw voice* I can't help but think this pandemic, if we live through it, will help us both stop trying to recoup the sunk costs of this relationship for the prospective payoffs that will never come.

couch surfing

My roommate is, and has always been, awful. Coming to grad school has meant my first ever random roommate and a weird mix of experiences with her, including a trip to the Dean's office within the first month of school (without warning -- who solves their problems this way? Why wouldn't you say something to me first if you had an issue?). I generally try to stay out of our apartment for my own sanity.

A few months ago she started having tearful arguments over the phone. Lots of yelling, audible even if both of our doors are closed. This is just something I got used to; coming home to scream-crying has become a pretty normal thing for me. So yesterday when she started up again I wasn't surprised, until I started to hear things escalate to her banging around, slamming doors, screaming louder than I had ever heard her before. I tried to reach out to her, acknowledge that these are difficult times but request that she quiet down a bit, but that didn't really have any effect. Then I hear knocking on our apartment door. I assumed it was for her, so I let it go, until they kept knocking. I opened the door to POLICE. A neighbor had heard her and called. Honestly, not all that surprising. I let them in, and they knocked on her door to speak with her. She said she was fine and then...slammed the door in the face of the police. They came to my room to apologize for the fact that I had to deal with this and let me know that if I needed anything, I could call. Five minutes later, there was another knock at the door. I open it and the Dean is standing there, and asks, "Do you remember me?" I was honestly just stunned to see her there. Once I let her in, she moved to knock on my roommate's door and then paused to ask how I was doing, since her office had FOUR SEPARATE REPORTS of the cops being called to our apartment because of her since we moved in. That's what pulled me from my stupor of accepting this as normal. Now I'm couch surfing because quite literally, fuck that noise. I have finals this week, ya girl gotta study.

work from home woes

On Thursday evening, my husband and I got into a fight and he stopped speaking to me, so we barely talked that whole night. On Friday, we both found out we would be working from home starting Monday - him for the next two weeks, and me indefinitely. We still didn't talk on Friday after work, and we didn't talk all weekend. Now it's Monday morning and he set up his computer RIGHT ACROSS from me at our dining table (we don't have much space at home). He didn't test out his VPN so he's calling his office's tech person to get help, being very loud on the phone, sighing loudly in frustration while I'm trying to compose emails and get my work done. I don't know how to do this for the next two weeks or more. 

custody of the master bedroom

Sorry I’m a little late to the party, but alas I must share my tale filled with literally the deepest irony of all time and a ballad of  d¥ke drama as old as time. My girlfriend and I have been together just shy of a year, and being true to our nature, moved in together around the 8 month mark. Of course this involved ignoring countless red flags I knew were there from numerous fights prior, but hey—just like a baby is supposed to save a marriage, moving in together can do the same thing right?? RIGHT?!?!?

VERY long story short, I am a nurse who is volunteering to help corona patients in the hospital and with the homeless; she is a hypochondriac actress/producer currently starring in a short film about a hypochondriac lesbian who is having trouble with her girlfriend because she’s an intractable asshole, completely unwilling to go to therapy and/or work on herself in any way. Needless to say I would say the parallels give me great pause.

So literally 2 days before the US went into massive TP buying hysteria, she would hardly touch me (even when I wasn’t working with Covid patients) because I am infected and my work is gross to her, we get in a massive fight due to her saying something flagrantly hurtful (a monthly occurrence at the least), I get sad, she says words don’t matter, you know the rest! And this camel had met her last straw. “I need SIGNIFICANT time and space away from this relationship,” was literally the phrase I used, and hey! Who knew I was also saying that to the whole ass country!!

Currently I have custody of the master bedroom, while she has custody of the office with futon. We are currently sharing joint custody of my hair dryer and Theragun, she has claimed custody of the cordless hitachi wand, while I am stuck with the plug in hitachi I got when I was still living in a dorm. Ironically, now she wants to hug and hold my hand every opportunity she can ask in attempts at getting me back and all I can say is go off I guess!!

Everyone stay safe and best of luck to those also going through breakups during this weird ass time.

QUARANTINED WITH MY SHITTY BOYFRIEND

SO. Here’s some TEA. My boyfriend and I have been living with one another for almost a year now. He’s been cheating on me this WHOLE TIME. (I have a new place set up, just waiting for my friend to get home to be my roommate) Anyways, besides the point. I have a vacation to Tampa next weekend and I have been informed by my work that if said vacation doesn’t already get cancelled due to the virus, then I MUST self quarantine for FOURTEEN DAYS annnnddd use my PTO for the whole 2 weeks! Completely understandable, of course, but I cannot be QUARANTINED WITH MY SHITTY BOYFRIEND FOR 2 WEEKS because he will more than likely have to quarantine himself even though he ain’t even going ! Next however fucking long is going to be HELL but it’s FINE lmfao hot girl summer is coming.

this quarantine is actually a good thing in the long run

1. my friend from new york is supposed to be visiting his gf in la in a few weeks. unfortunately, his gf lives on a college campus and they’re prohibited from letting ppl stay bc of the virus! i’m the only other person he knows in la and he asked to stay w me! and i said yes. obv. even though i live in a tiny ass studio! w ONE bed! and i mildly like the guy (but not really bc he has a gf and i’ve grown to hate his personality). but god. if nothing changes and everything goes as planned, he’ll be staying w me for a MONTH. who knows what’ll happen when we’re cooped up together for a MONTH. 

if his gf isn’t kicked off of campus and sent back to canada and/or if ppl are banned from flying internationally and/or if coronavirus gets cured and everyone lifts their restrictions....... then he won’t be staying with me. but he won’t be arriving til the beginning of april so who knows what’ll happen til then.

2. my friend who’s just a friend who i think is hot and used to like more than a friend but not anymore bc i see him purely as a friend lives, like, a five minute drive away from me. we both love the show MONK and he owns all the dvds and invited me over to binge w him during the quarantine. i know nothing will happen bc i’m not his type and i don’t like him like that anymore but man, i really cannot wait to spend this much time w a hot dude in his house bc of this quarantine. and the fact that we’ll be hanging out purely to enjoy each other’s company and not for any ulterior motives (even though i wouldn’t mind). idk! it’s just nice having someone genuinely want to spend time w me and not find my annoying, anxious ass despicable! :,) especially when it’s a hot man! it makes everything better. 

3. not relationship drama but i really hate my friend right now and accidentally ghosted her. i don’t even know why i hate her, i think i’m just a superficial, narcissistic pain in the ass who gets easily annoyed when ppl don’t pay close attention to detail when it comes to my life or to what i’m saying. or when ppl barely pay attention to my problems and bring their’s to my attention, as if i care when mine are obv more pressing! i know! i’m the worst! but during this quarantine i realized that even though a lot of ppl claim to love me, not many ppl are actually there for me. but she was. so hopefully the isolation helps me start communicating w her again bc lord knows i am stubborn as fuck and will draw this out for as long as possible bc i hate admitting i’m wrong and apologizing. 

i think that this quarantine is actually a good thing in the long run. everyone’s starting to care for each other, hypotheticals are becoming real and we’re starting to see what our society could be like if capitalism wasn’t ruining our lives, and i’m going to be socializing more than ever despite this being a time of physical isolation! incredible.  

he’ll get stuck here

I have been seeing this guy, casually for a few months and pretty seriously (as in sleepovers most nights, discussing things a few months into the future) just for the last month or so. 

Well, I’ve had my doubts but now I’m pretty sure he’s not “the one” and I’m not sure how much longer I want to keep seeing him, for various reasons. However- he is all in and wants to ride out the quarantine with me! I am stuck between wanting someone around I can hang out with/sleep with while everything else goes to hell (I live in a one br and already miss socializing) and the terrifying thought that he’ll get stuck here for some crazy length of time.

overstaying your welcome

My husband went to Sweden 3 weeks ago for work with no exact return date as he works a more uncommon job.  I was in USA traveling for work as well. After seeing all of the news I bought a one way flight to Sweden to be with him incase anything crazy happened(very cautious and probably because I have a lot of anxiety and this was the only thing to put me at ease). Friends and family thought I was nuts but like also health care and the general government decisions are wayyyyy better in Sweden than USA amirite. So I arrived on Tuesday and shit really hit the fan the past two days in Europe so we have no idea when we’re going home - he’s also not a us national so he can’t enter the USA the icing on the cake was we started staying with a family friend for “a couple days” and now it’s looking more like 2 weeks as it seems the whole country is going to be put on lockdown in the coming days. Does “overstaying your welcome” count during a pandemic? Lol I’m more worried about us having problems with the family friend than each other - we’re in a tiny 2 bedroom European apartment

hanging out AND cuddles

so i’ve been seeing this guy for around two months now (but we met on the apps, so talking for a month prior to the said two months), and i think we’re really getting somewhere (as in, i feel a DTR convo coming in the next couple weeks), BUT this whole coronavirus thing has really thrown a wrench in everything. he’s in grad school, and his college went full remote for his last semester, so that’s added stress. i’m working from home for the next few weeks in my apartment ALONE— my two roommates went home home, so i’m stuck in my tiny nyc apartment by myself for at least two weeks, social distancing myself. the situation is super hard mentally for both of us. and we’re supposed to hang out this weekend, but that’s not looking likely (he had plans, i had some as well). BUT i still really want to see him. i want to ask him to come hang out, order food, watch movie, etc BUT at the same time i’m wondering... is that a good idea? what if either of us unknowingly has it?? BUT i really don’t want this whole thing to slow down the trajectory of what we have going on. but at the same time i’m so cooped up and would loooove the company. and like i want him to hang out with me while i’m working from home (he’s off for his spring break technically). also, i have reservations at a super hard to get into restaurant that i made a month ago later this week, and i want to ask him to come with me, but at the same time, is that stupid?? it’s a big-ish place, so it’s not super cramped. the restaurant hasn’t said anything about closing yet, but is it dumb to even ask while we’re in the middle of this whole thing??? bottom line is i don’t want what we had going to lose momentum because of this thing, but at the same time, i feel like it’s going to regardless. i don’t know what to do!! we could facetime to hang out, i guess, but that isn’t as fun as hanging out AND cuddles. Ugh!!!!!