the hustle and bustle of keeping on

I've been telling everyone that quarantine is the perfect time to work on building new skills and growing our side hustles - but who am I kidding? I've spent the past week lying on my parents' couch, stressed about about the intersection of mundane tragedy and viral mortality. Being at home is constant reminder of my parents' broken marriage, the fake smiles and natural disaster-esque arguments that we've endured for 30 years, the life that I tried to avoid when I broke up with my ex last year just months after deciding I would propose to him by the end of 2019. Moving back home has also involved crying every night since I accidentally saw a picture of him cuddled up with with his new girl (fuck you mutual friends). I hate that he has someone agreeable to quarantine with. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't rooting for quarantine to destroy them; unfortunately, I think the honeymoon phase of having sex with someone new is hard to beat. But what's my alternative - force myself into a relationship to not feel lonely? Who am I supposed to date when I get panic attacks after seeing my ex's face after a year? The coronavirus has ruined my carefully constructed life of being so busy that I don't have time to dwell on a lifetime of pain.

hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

I was already finding my partner difficult to live with - he’s lazy, has no interest in working (he’s a delivery driver so works a couple hours a day max), I do all the cooking, shopping, and most of the chores while working a full time job. Now we’re stuck in the 400 square foot apartment together while I work from home, and I see the full depth of his laziness. I love him, but I’m feeling like a monster for wanting to kick out what is basically an overgrown child (he’s nearly 30) and he’s driving me insane. I wish I’d broken up with him before lockdown, who knows how long this will last. I can’t kick out an overgrown child with nowhere to go during a pandemic! What am I, satan?

secret quarantine romance

My ex treated me horribly when we were together and we had a horrible break up. After some time, some therapy, and some maturing (on his part) we ended up getting together for coffee last year and have been hooking up every couple of months since. That being said, my parents and friends still HATE him, but since quarantine we've been talking every day, facetiming, sexting, the whole thing and I can't help but be a little

from the bowels of my heart

Just walked in on my boyfriend (after 3 hours of gaming with his friends) having a very serious, very heartfelt discussion with our foster dog about how he needs to “poop for us, buddy. please god just go poop for me” who then proceeded to carry the dog outside, set him in the grass and do parkour on our porch while he waited for the shit of the century.

a blessing in disguise

My boyfriend had just told me he loves me. But now, school is practically over. Quarantined. Broken up. Back to my husband and kids.

tin hat for two

One minute I'm calling you my soulmate and we're cuddling on the couch. The next minute we are arguing about if tinfoil is an "essential" item and worth going to the store to purchase right now / ASAP (you = yes, me = no). Normally an easy going girlfriend, I am now a bossy bitch who won't let you do anything without my approval otherwise you suffer the wrath of my sleepless anxiety. Not enough real Corona to manage the stress of actual corona.

a tale as old as sappho

Things were good a friends with benefits/dating relationship. The virus came about she was unemployed feared the virus might stop her from finding work and she had elderly parents to look after here. Her family was in IRAN where the pandemic was running famous. I was easy light hearted about the media and the virus. Turns out she was right!!! I don’t think she respected the fact that I didn’t take the news seriously pushing it aside like that of SARS and flesh eating bacteria. Two weeks into March noticed we were. It seeing each other. She text me back when I text her somber in response. The infatuation had died. Last text was me consoling her worries and her saying she needed space. That was a week ago. Not that our relationship is over but, definitely the Coronavirus stopped it from progressing. Or, left me in limbo. She has bigger worries and I was not one of them. It was a 4 month relationship.

up in the air

Our history started at LAX, when we've met about 4 years ago... during all this time we were toguether just 6 times: between one broke dating time, 2 times in my country (Brazil), 1 at his country (France) and 3 times in usa where he lives.
So, at the 7th time that we saw each other, we decided to marry! In Las Vegas!
I had just one weeK to travel, because of my work. That was happend almost now, like 2 weeks ago. I arrived at saturday, 14 march. He made a surprise for me picking me up at airport! And we went directly to the bureau of weddings. After that we drinked a beer while we choosing the chapel. Our minds and our hearts were feeling the same: its vegas, baby! must happend with elvis!
So, we took an uber that was an angel for us... he stoped in 2 chapels and indicated one more for us. That one that he had married too. And it was perfect. I could see the elvis before and the price and the place was so good. Everything was in flow.
Our cerimony was at 22h15. In 15 min we were done! hahahahhahah! It was amazing!!! Really! Parfait! Married!
After we slept just one night in Vegas... everything was starting to close... we just took a drink and that's it!!!
I should anticipate my flight to come back to Brazil because of coronavirus. Our honeymoon? We dont know... soon! When every word will be in safe!!! But we are used to be in distance... because our love we learned already to be happy in distance!

the numbers game

Found out my long distance boyfriend had cheated a few days before lockdown. He flew to me to try & win me back, and we’ve now been in my 500 sq ft studio together for the past 9 days... It turns out it’s easy to trust someone who can’t be more than 10 feet away from you.

whimsical tricky love

Came home from travelling japan a few days before everything became crazy in Canada. I had the most magical whirlwind romance there. Like movie level shit kept happening eg. while on an evening stroll post onsen, the snow started to fall all big and fluffy. I joked to him that he should put out fox vibes because it would be a dream to see a wild one on my trip and that I would do the same. No joke, a few minutes later a wild fox appeared and walked towards us. He stopped to look at us before darting off into some trees. I can’t even begin to explain how magical this moment was.
Having been in a series abusive relationships in the past, I accidentally found a man that is so sweet and loving and thoughtful...the complete opposite of my past relationships - except he lives in the other side of the world. It was supposed to just be a fun hookup but by the end of the two weeks it became something much bigger and we are both desperate to see each other again soon. But since we have a worldwide PANDEMIC we can’t even begin to plan on when and where we are going to see each other next. Covid-19 sure is making having a whimsical love story tricky.

lost

I think when you decide to marry someone you think, who would I want to be stuck on a desert island with? And proceed accordingly. I never factored in when the desert island scenario would happen nor whether there is still a spark, etc. Years later and I chose wrong. Now I have to live with this secret for ???

get in the shower or i’ll throw this asparagus at you

My parents are old. I begged them to stay home and we all agreed not to leave the house since we have groceries for a week. Dad calls me an hour later right after I've been LAID OFF to say "I went to Walmart for burgers!"

We have no buns. 10 trips to the store vs 1 trip lowers his odds of dying significantly, does it not?

When he got back he just wouldn't wash his hands.

"Well it's no big deal"

"OKAY PLEASE just wash your hands for my sake"

"But blah blah blah"

"YOUR WIFE COULD DIE she's a smoker please just go wash your hands, or take a shower to make me feel better dad"

"Oh come on it's no big deal ha ha ha"

"Please dad we need you to understand. We are scared, just go take a shower and I'll wipe the food down"

"I'm an American don't tell me what to do!"

"TAKEAFUCKINGAHOWERBEFOREITHROWTHISATYOUMOTHERFUUUUUUUCKER"
Then I threw the asparagus.

He finally listened.

Not proud of this moment. Not alone either?

ambivalent

I was joking with some friends on FaceTime about starting a Tinder account to talk to girls online (I'm a gay man who sometimes thinks he's bi but probably isn't but maybe is). The Tinder plan was to use my own pictures to semi-cat fish but more-so, mostly just look for new people to talk to under quarantine (I like having girls as friends). So, I told my boyfriend I live and isolate with about this idea (as I annoyingly tell him every thought that runs through my brain which has historically created its own set of problems) and he said somewhat angrily, "Or you could literally do anything else. Like read a fucking book." To be fair I do read a lot, but to be even more fair, I do also get a lot of dumb hair-brained schemes. I probably won't do the Tinder thing. But I might. Desperate times. About an hour after this small fight we were watching Melancholia (arthouse cinema's answer to Contagion) and we tried having sex (unrelated to the movie, more related to the nudes I'd just been sending and receiving on instagram from a mutual) and in the middle of sex we both agreed something was off. I've historically been more of a bottom and he's a full top but I've been feeling sort of toppy under quarantine? Maybe it's pent up rage, maybe I'm bi. But anyways these feelings have been messing with our sex life, for sure. And he said it feels like I've been just using him to masturbate. Which sounds really horrible when I write it down here. So what I'm really trying to say is that I'm an always sexually confused horny piece of shit and my boyfriend is absolutely, right to be annoyed/angry with me right now. # Trying to be more gay, gentle in bed, and well-read under queerantine.

getting in the zone

Every morning my family and I hold a dance party to start the day on the right foot. No music is off the table but my five year old has a particular fondness for Danger Zone and we've listened to it at least 15 times a day. You'd think we're all slowly going crazy but there's something really endearing about hearing a five year old with zero concept of the lyrics sincerely sing nonsensical words in the verse before belting out the show stopping chorus. Hours later, we're all doing it with him. We'll get through this even if we have to take it right into the Danger Zone.

but not for the reason you’d think

My boyfriend and I were cooking a nice homemade dinner late on Saturday night. He is unloading the dishwasher while I stuff dough with meat and cabbage (runzas!). Suddenly I hear the plate shatter on the floor, and I look over and ask if he’s OK. He says no, he got a cut, which is surprising given that there is no blood. Then all of a sudden his foot starts squirting blood all over the kitchen. Frantically, I wash my hands and pat his wound off with a paper towel. We definitely need to go to the ER.

However, before we can leave he makes me clean up all the blood with his bleach spray. And, he attempts to put away all the gauze and other medical supplies that we used to tightly wrap his wound. He is so type A, even in moments like this, it makes me want to scream! Dude... it can wait.

We head to the belly of the beast... the most germy place we could be... the hospital. He strolls in and is taken to get stitches, but they refuse to let me in because of the virus.

I am now sitting on the couch drinking wine by myself waiting for him to give me the OK to go and pick him up. He has already informed me that he has passed out once, potentially seized, and was told he has abnormally low heart rate. It’s FINE. Everything is gonna be FINE.

wearing my heart at arm’s length

I like my co-worker. We get on so well, my cheeks flush red and my gut fills with butterflies. Our humour lines up so well and when we laugh, we catch each other's eyes. I chat with him on snapchat. But I believe I'm reading too much into it because I'm a romantic. A romantic who has already seen our future and it not ending well because we work together. And he's younger than me. I guess I'm more of a pessimistic romantic with a vivid imagination. Our work hasn't isolated yet but I feel heartbroken not being near him. Should I say something? If it's a no from him, at least I have a reason to work from home. But if he says yes... well damn, we got to be at least 1 metre away from each other. Fuck.

murphy’s (divorce) law(yer)

After 5 years of no sex but plenty of laughs I finally plucked up the courage to file my divorce papers on Sunday night. Monday morning, city on lockdown. You know what's worse than getting a divorce? Being in quarantine with the person you're divorcing.

consider the crab

I'm stuck at home with my family and can't visit my partner because he's on a more restrictive quarantine (he just got back from study abroad). Slowly I'm losing my mind and yesterday I spent three hours watching a tiktok video set to the song "remember the name" of a toy robot with a sword fighting a very tiny crab. The fact that the music and the video are perfectly in sync does not help matters as I think it's caused a permanent glitch in my brain and now I just want to stare at it forever.

But in all seriousness I would watch sports if there were more tiny crabs in them.

the grass is greener, but i miss grey

Fled to the countryside with my husband and our daughter, to his parents farm. It's beautiful here. My 2 year old is obsessed with her grandparents and physically pushes me away when I go near her. Normally she wants to sit on my lap while I pee.

My mother in law cooks 3 meals a day; most things have a butter and cream base. Everything's delicious and I hate myself for eating it all. The family are wonderful, happy go lucky types. I'm well practiced at joining in.

I started a business last year and could not be less motivated to keep things up to the usual standards. Probably fueled by my obsessive escapism, practiced mainly via Instagram.

I am living a beautiful, quarantine dream in the alps including babysitting, loving husband and fresh mountain air.

I want my apartment, smog and salads back. I'm a horrible millenial and hope this is all over soon.

no boys allowed in the bunker

I started slowly prepping for isolation back in January because I'm paranoid and I pay attention to global news. My husband ragged on me so hard. He'd be like "Go ahead and do it if you want, but I think it's pointless." He'd bring up my prepping in front of the in-laws and they'd all mock me for being so silly. I give him plenty of shit for his quirks, so turn about is usually fair play, but this annoyed me because I felt I was doing the right thing to keep our family safe.

So. All the things I stocked up on with him in mind are just slightly wrong. He likes spearmint toothpaste, I got him wintermint. I bought him the wrong deodorant. He doesn't like 2-in-1 shampoo, so that's what he got. I got him chicken ramen even though he prefers beef. Oh, he wanted tuna in water? Oops, it's tuna in olive oil WITH HERBS AND SPICES.

I love him, but I would mail him an exploding box of glitter if I wouldn't have to be the one to clean it up.