companions
Talking to my computer now... Hello! have you got any virus in you, on you? You know I scan you everyday, so tell me if you are sick. Deal? I also wipe you down every day, so virus and friends, go sit somewhere else. Thank you. Virus: We are sorry that we disturbed your habitat and you found us. I hope you find another host that can support you. You know that when your host dies you die too, right?
backdoor deal
There are 4 people who can open the back door to an expansive and fenced in yard....yet the dog pees inside once a day.
live-in exes
I've was planning on leaving my current relationship and giving notice to move at the end of March. Instead, I'm stuck in quarantine with my partner. I told my friends I would just wait out the pandemic and then tell my partner it's over. Well, two days in, we get into a huge argument and I tell him once this is all over, I'm done. Now we are living in isolation as exes. Two ships passing in the night has never resonated so much.
EVERYBODY SING
Sung to "My Sharona" by The Knack
Oh my little shitty one, my shitty one /When you gunna sicken my life, Corona? /Ooh you make my worries run, my worries run /Got to get you offa my mind Corona
You're never gunna stop, give it up, such a dirty bug /You always give it up, give it up with just a simple hug /My, my, my, ay -yi-yi-yi /Muh muh muh My Corona
Come a little closer huh? I don't think so, duh /Close enough to get in my eye Corona /Keeping it a mystery, it gets to me /Running down the length of my mind Corona
You're never gunna stop, give it up, such a dirty bug /You always give it up, give it up with just a simple hug /My, my, my, ay -yi-yi-yi Muh muh muh My Corona /When you gunna go away, go away /Its just a matter of time Corona /You think you are our destiny, our destiny /You'e the one that's outta your mind Corona!
Muh muh muh My Corona!
cracking open, but not a cold one with the boys
Quarantine day whatever: I'm living with my ex boyfriend/baby daddy. She's 7 months old and we haven't been a couple in 16 months. I asked him to stay with us during quarantine because I need another adult to help me keep my sanity (I also have an 8 year old) and he's still my best friend. Everything was going well until today (March 28, 2020). We had 2 beers left (both mine because he drank all his) I graciously gave him one because it was my turn to run out for provisions and I wasn't ready to leave the apartment. He drinks it like it's water and he's been in the desert for days. He goes for my can, the last beer, MY LAST BEER! He glanced at me for approval and is greeted with a death stare. Our conversation: What? I thought we had an agreement. What agreement? That you'd drink yours and I'd drink mine. But you haven't run to the store yet. That was never apart of the agreement. Fine I'll put it back. Damn right you will, society hasn't fallen yet, we're still civilized! All squabbles over beer aside I'm quarantined with my best friend, and who doesn't want to hit their bestie sometimes.
step-by-step, day-by-day
We’ve been together for 10 months and for the past 2 we’ve both had this shitty bronchitis that won’t go away. I got it from him and his kid. With my legit health anxiety, some serious underlying health issues, and these lungs, I’m nervous.
day 1: I decide that with the state of my lungs I should start work from home. By 6pm, I have cabin fever in my basement apartment and I decide to go to class. Rode up in the elevator with a friendly, chatty lady. She was on her way to the existential book club next door.
day 4: Someone from the existential book club tests positive. Was it elevator lady? Does it matter? We all touched the same elevator button, door knobs, and bathroom key, anyways.
day 15: Such factors combined with congestion and body aches, my doc offered me a Covid test. I drive seven hours from my parent’s house to get the test, but I panic with the giant swab in-hand and chicken out. I can’t sleep the whole night because I am shaking.
day 18: Now on Xanax for the first time, my boyfriend is still refusing to see me because I haven’t gotten the test and he’s with his kids (Didn’t I get sick from them in the first place?) I ask if he’'ll get tested instead since he has the exact symptoms as me. He says yes and makes the appointment with my doc. The he demands I get one too. “Can I go with you so you can hold my hand this time?” I ask. “Go alone,” he responds, “I have to get back home for the kids.”
day 19: I am now secretly sleeping on my ex-boyfriend’s couch, desperate not to be alone in my newly acquired 2am panic attacks, and i don’t know which will happen first: Covid test results or a break-up…
me and wilson
Feeling like it would be better to be quarantined on a remote island like Tom Hanks in castaway than to be home with my family. What I have realized is that the person I miss the most is the person I have been having an affair with and may never see again because he works in healthcare
have your cake and eat it too
Today is our two year marriage anniversary (although been together 12 years). Neither of us had prepared a present but that was fine, given the lockdown circumstances. Although, I’d made him a card and he’d did nothing. All good during the day, tipping down outside so a little claustrophobic but we got out for a bit of fresh air in the afternoon. I’d done a big shop in the morning- the quarantine dash- so we were all stocked up. I browsed through all my recipe books and thought how lovely it was to have time to cook stuff out of the norm. Chose to make sweet potato gnocchi with pesto, and a lemon cannellini cake for pudding. Husband eats meat and I don’t, so got him some sausages on the side. Nice, yes? No. He didn’t like the idea of gnocchi so I said I’d make fresh pasta instead. He hated my idea of pesto (which I made with rocket and mizuna from the garden rather than basil as didn’t have any) and yelled that I only made food that I like and didn’t think of him. “What would I order from a restaurant? Mizuna pasta? No fucking way.” (Do I look like a chef? Am I going to cook lamb shanks? No...) He then burnt his hand draining the pasta angrily, and we ate dinner in silence, with his hand in a bowl of ice. The lemon cake is sitting on the sideboard still, and I haven’t got the ice cream out- chocolate boysenberry, my favourite. I truly wish I was single during lockdown.
where have all the singles gone
yo idk what happened but tinder is in hard mode now how do i change it back
the sun also rises
My husband has severe depression. I keep reminding myself that this is the “sickness” part of “in sickness and health” but I keep joking not joking that we are going to come out of this with another baby, divorced...or both.
quarantined with sister and my boyfriend.
Mostly it's lovely to be holed up with my two favorite people, but I've been very hormonal and a bit of an emotional hot mess lately. Two facts about me: I love trivia and I require huge amounts of attention and affection. Boyfriend wanted "fifteen more minutes" (read: an hour) to finish up the trivia questions he was making for me and my sister to play. I sat in the other room, feeling abandoned, and POUTED while strewing in my sulk. When he emerged, so excited for the game, I refused to play and then burst into tears. Eventually we reconciled and played the trivia game, and a very fun time was had by all. Thanks to sister and bae for not murdering me yet.
if it ain't covid-19, it's something else
did i get ghosted because of coronavirus, or just because? :-(
did you cut it in half?
My engagement ended a couple nights ago. Our king bed is now two twins after a solid screaming match where I did most of the hysterical screaming and pacing. It’s so bizarre to be cooking delicious meals for someone you have freshly decided you will not be spending forever with. We’re currently in another argument, except this time he’s the one being irrational. I prefer the view from here.
just stop breathing
My boyfriend has started to get annoyed of my breathing. After five years and two weeks of quarantine together.
in due time…
My husband refuses to watch Tiger King with me. This might be a dealbreaker for our marriage.
to give her comfort
My grandma also sent me three things she’s thankful for. I’ll put them here. She’s so sad in Florida because she’s scared working in her supermarket deli. But people need food and her serve brings them comfort. I hope these acts of gratitude can give her comfort too.
just give him some time
My husband refuses to watch Tiger King with me. This might be a dealbreaker for our marriage.
brownie or, rather, crêpe points
I had a quarantine birthday recently. My partner and I had gone to sleep early the night before, forgetting to prep the crepes we’d planned for breakfast. I woke up to my partner having woken up at 4:30am, cleaned the ENTIRE kitchen, and made the crepe batter (in the blender, which I somehow slept through). We made amazing crepes filled with Nutella and fruit for my birthday breakfast. Birthday saved, even in the time of corona.