a men-free 2020
Someone needs to for real tell all of these men that updated their dating profiles to include a Coronavirus joke that they aren’t very original or charming. Here are a selection from “likes” I’ve received since quarantine started. From the simple... Together, we could: Self quarantine? My ideal fake sick day: Coronavirus I’m looking for: A quarantine buddy To the stupid... My most controversial opinion is: Coronavirus is just the flu Give me travel tips for: My apartment. In search of a quarantine buddy. Believe it or not: I don’t have Coronavirus To the incredibly earnest... Together, we could: be a testament to the resilience of romance in the COVID era: candlelight Skype dates, poetry readings over zoom, whiskey-aided truth or dare. Bless their hearts, they all probably felt so clever when they did this.
too hot to handle
After kissing on New Year’s Eve, a longtime friend from my hometown moved to my city -- and neighborhood -- in February. We’ve been making a gentle transition from friends to more, and it was just getting REAL good. Now we’re quarantined in separate homes. I’m hoping against hope that when we’re able to see each other again there’s still a spark. And I had JUST discovered that he's incredible in bed. Dammit.
that really sucks, but maybe don’t call other human beings “savages”
My boyfriend of four years and I broke up on the brink of the pandemic. What timing! I quickly moved in with two dudes I don’t really know (I’m a female) and soon after we were no longer roommates, but quarantine companions. The walls are tissue paper thin. The entire house can hear when you take a shit. Both guys claimed the two available parking passes for our complex. No big deal, I’m an independent woman, right? I can parallel park in one of the scant spots on the busy street below and climb the giant hill to our apartment. No problem! Last week some kind of savage human being took a shit on my car. Meanwhile my ex boyfriend got a 40% pay increase and gets to quarantine in our home alone.
cry if you want to
I never thought that I would’ve moving back home my first year of college. To be fair I went to school in my home state of Washington, so it isn’t super inconvenient. It’s been a bit of a struggle because my dad’s parents are living with us right now as well and it seems like I can never truly be alone. I feel like once this all ends my family is going to have a major falling out because it’s getting really hard to tolerate each other’s presence. My dad is picking fights with everyone all the time. I’ll be watching TV and he makes a snarky remark or he will yell at my brother if he doesn’t come downstairs for breakfast... just dumb shit. My birthday is in a week and a half and at this point I just want to spend it alone.
unrequited something
So, I have been dating this guy for a month, freaking out for it being way too “something” for a relationship hater like me, when the virus arrived. I thought “great, never an almost relationship arrived in a better moment, now I can have all the sex I need and a 24/24h romance without overthinking, because everybody anyway is doing it, and nobody would expect me to keep doing my quarantine habits when it will be over”. Turn out my guy is the worst perfect citizen ever and refuses to see me even if we live attached and we are self isolating from everybody else in the world. BUT he took my endless requests (I may have prayed him and said crazy romantic stuff) as a love declaration. GREAT NOW I HAVE A NO SEX QUARANTINE AND A NOT WANTED BOYFRIEND TO DEAL WITH AT ITS END. Not sure of which of the two I am most scared of.
so…. is it a cat or a dog?
My roommate has been a handful since all of this started. The other morning he came in my room while I was still asleep and vomited half eaten tune all over the carpet. Immediately after he finished he started eating it again before I could shoo him away to clean the mess up. Lately he has made a habit of slowly moving into the picture while I am taking video calls for work. I guess it's a good thing that he's furry has a tail, whiskers, and loves to chase lasers, otherwise I might go crazy.
ice pick
My wife and I and her pretty amusing, most splendid 12-year-old daughter are stuck in our rural Maine home. No big deal. We got this. Oh, I forgot to mention we have a half a foot of snow on the way tonight. And my wife is all keto now, so we don’t “eat carbohydrates” anymore. Aaaaand.... for complex (probably Karmic) reasons we are taking care of my ex-wife’s maltipoo, whose frequents barks are ice picks in our brains. My wife and I have a common enemy we are committed to eradicate, and it’s not the coronavirus. I am stealing the kid’s Easter candy.
who’s the boss?
I've been fucking my boss' boss for the last year. He's single, I'm single, so nobody's getting hurt. But it's still just Wrong, I know. I haven't told anybody, and have made up guys I'm casually dating so my roommates don't wonder when I don't come home. This was never going to be a long-term thing, just two lonely people having sex until we each find somebody better. Sneaking around is obviously nearly impossible at this point, so with no end in sight I think the virus of all things is probably going to be what puts an end to this. All in all probably a good thing, but the thought of riding this out solo and then having to actually get back into the dating scene after this ends...rough.
"ex"-potentially crappy
I'd give you a donation in addition to my gossip, but the paper for which I wrote during the last four-plus years went out of business and laid us all off a few weeks ago. But that's not the story you're looking for. For the last several months, my ex-husband has been a little stalkerish. He was showing up at different bars when I was hanging out, dropping junk mail he received for me through the mail slot at my office. When the governor ordered non-essential businesses to close, it got worse instead of better. He started driving and walking by my house in the city's now boarded-up business district. I, of course, had him blocked from all social media, emails, phone calls, texts. For some reason, I couldn't block his voicemails. And I got them night and day. Anyway, I'm rambling. Long story short, I had to get a temporary protection order. And then, on the day it was served to him, my (legit) crazy neighbor got mad at me for letting someone park behind me in my two-person, tandem parking spot and sent me a message saying he would FB friend my ex and keep him apprised of where I am and what I'm doing. ... Great. Once he came back down from whatever drug he'd obviously been doing, neighbor apologized and said he hadn't and wouldn't attempt to give information to my ex. Today, neighbor left me what I can only describe as apology art on my doorstep. It's a pretty thing he painted. I brought it in and sprayed it down with lysol and washed my hands. My hair is gonna be totally gray by the time quarantine ends.
biodegrading
We are bickering over garden projects. If he makes one more damn list, I may have to compost him.
a fight away
Fiancé leaves Facebook on the tv linked to a computer. He goes and have a nap. Message comes up. It was his ex asking about the corona virus. Curiosity got the better of me. I scroll back up. My fiancé tells her he still has feelings. How nice to read this, it really did warm my heart. Not. We live together in a studio apartment. Not allowed to go anywhere for at least 12 weeks which just begun. Our families live a flight away. Should I tell him I know? Wish me luck... 😥
she’s an icon, she’s a legend, and she is the moment
My boredom has reached an all time high. I have created an imaginary cult. Children of Golden Goddesses. This includes Judy Garland, Bette Davis, and Ingrid Bergman. What started off as a joke has become a personal project of mine where I add details as they come to me. My friend and I thought it was funny at first but it’s beginning to get out of hand. By the end of this quarantine I may have created a full fledged cult. Only time will tell.
pre-heating
It is my turn to cook dinner today. As always, I spend an hour browsing various BBC websites looking for variations of the one thing I cook: chicken. When I finally decide on a marinade, I spend another hour thinking about when to marinate the thing when I hear her shout. It’s 7PM, she shouts. When are you starting dinner? I go down, marinate the chicken and tell her that, now, we must wait. I am going to pre heat the oven, I say. Ten minutes later I am with my girlfriend. I hear the mother shouting downstairs. Hurry up, she says. The oven is ready. I call and pretend to be a technician from Zanetti, the brand of our oven. She does not fall for the prank. You don’t need to pre hear these types of oven, she says. They stay warm. This is my life now.
rules be damned
We moved in together just before Shelter in Place. At the time, I made a rule I'd only use my vibrator when he was out of the apartment. That lasted about 4 days. Ooops.
unwarranted long distance
I had just started seeing someone when the Stay at Home order came into play. Things were going great, very honeymoon phase-y with lots of ice cream outings, late night drives, holding hands at the movies etc. We were getting to know each other by doing stuff, and it was so fun. I finally felt like a grown up in the dating world. And now we have been thrust into this long distance relationship that neither of us asked for. We text, the occasional FaceTime for a few minutes to catch up on our days. It’s not bad, at least he didn’t ghost me when the pandemic hit. I’m personally not a huge dater. I’ve had few relationships that have lasted more than a week of pointless texting complete with a coffee date or two before one or both of us gets bored, realize that we don’t want this right now and give up. College, am I right? And just when I started to give it a chance, just when I thought ‘Hey, maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe it’ll go somewhere,’ the apocalypse happens. So here I will stay, texting random updates, playing cup pong to keep the competitive, flirty fire going, or maybe Facetiming if the wifi is strong enough, until the day comes where we can leave our houses and pick up where we left off. Let’s just hope we don’t get bored.
polyamory and quarantine
My wife and I have been involved in Polyamory based relationships for close to ten years. We've had steady partners for a majority of that time. One benefit I never really thought of in a situation like this..... I have my partner and she has her partner that live in separate households that are also under "stay at home" orders. All of us only leave our individual households for necessary things like we should.. Unless she wants to stay with her partner for a couple days or I want to stay with mine.. it gives us a great balance of not getting sick of eachother and at the same time reduces fears of going "rampant in the wild" etc. Strange times indeed!!
is it?
My boyfriend and I are quarantining separately. I have to stay with my family and he’s with his. We rarely speak now. Not once did we FaceTime. Rarely ever hear his voice. Pre quarantine, I felt like I was in love with the man of my dreams. Now, despite still loving him, I am no longer over the moon to be with him. I sometimes wonder maybe its his way of dealing with uncertain things.. space. And I also wonder, if he truly loved me and wanted to he with me, he would keep our contact, call me, FaceTime and assure me we are alright. I am constantly worried and anxious on the state of our relationship. I considered ending this relationship, just so I will no longer live in this anxiety. I am just worried that I’ll regret letting go. Maybe it’s his coping mechanism. But also, maybe not.. I tried being honest and asking about his behavior. He mentioned that there isn’t much to talk about lately. I made sure he knows this is making me anxious and I need constant reassurance. Not much has changed. Is it me? Is it him? Is it a normal effect of distance?
support small carrier pigeon businesses!
Well my best friend had to move at this time and that was very sad for me and of course it was during this pandemic. Then soon they lost internet and we couldn't contact over the internet anymore. This is really hard for me because this is the main person I talk to about my problems and stress and during this time theirs even more stress so this is very hard for us both I assume please send prayers.