you're not pathetic, you care
COVID19 is making me miss my ex all over again. He is the love of my life. Issue is that he lives across the Atlantic Ocean and he does not want to be in a long distance relationship. I just wish he would text me. Does he not miss me? Does he not miss my nudes? They would for sure brighten up his quarantine. I feel so pathetic.
try and jot a few thoughts down
On March 6th, I found out that my husband had paid for sexual favors. After fifteen years of marriage and five children and numerous issues with porn and chatrooms, he finally crossed the physical line. I'm shattering into millions of tiny pieces, more so each day. I'm dying, I can't breathe and I'm "social distancing" in the same space as the one person I can't stand. My faith is wavering, my confidence is gone and I'm not strong enough for this. I am broken in a part of my soul I didn't know existed. One day, in the far future, I'll write a book about our experiences in these days of quarantine. It'll either be called "How Coronavirus Saved Our Marriage" or "It Wasn't the Virus: a memoir of attempted murder". Only God knows which.
the lonely third wheel
We move around the two bedroom London flat like magnets in opposition. They are a pair, a couple, a partnership. I am the third wheel. This flat is the only place that has ever truly felt like home. My room faces into the quad of the estate. It is the largest bedroom I’ve ever had at a majestic 9x7 feet. It is furnished with a Queen-sized bed. The mattress nestles within an oak frame and is layered with quilts and blankets. The brightest and most obtuse in colour, I crocheted myself. My desk sits adjacent to my bed with a book shelf that bulges with playscripts and text books. Colour co-ordinated. The walls are littered with perfectly, to me, curated strings of light, polaroid pictures pegged to lengths of pom poms, and framed illustrations and cards. My room is my haven. Most recently I made the addition of a soft pastel-pink bucket chair that swivels. The seat of the chair is cushioned and cups my body with a warmth and steadiness that is reassuring. My love for my room is unprecedented, like the times, I suppose. With the unprecedented times I have found myself in my beautiful haven for roughly 23 hours a day. Across the corridor from my room is their room. Well, his room, but now their room. He is my flat mate. An incredible human shaped spirit of generosity and kindness. He is smart and funny and loves board games. In these unprecedented times his partner has come to live with us. Come to live with him. The living room that we used to share has a pull-out bed in it. So, with the times, the evenings find the bed pulled out. Because even partnerships need the nights to recharge. The mornings after these evenings, I tiptoe past the closed living room door and gently rifle through my kitchen cupboard. It’s usually around 10am. None of us see a point in waking early anymore. The world has paused and in turn paused all of us in a strange kind of floating stasis. Our jobs furloughed or terminated, the term ‘social distancing’ introduced into our everyday vocabulary. A country in lockdown. And we, three, in isolation in this place I call home. Except that they are a pair, in isolation together. And I am the third wheel. The loneliness has grown like a great black dog. Fierce and snarling. As their laughter shatters through the closed doors and walls of my beautiful haven I try to busy my mind. I am not welcome in their little world and I don’t feel able to welcome them to mine. I know my flat mate, but I don’t know this partnership. And in these unprecedented times I can’t find the tools in my armory to shed my gooseberry skin. I long for the person I know, and trust. I long for company other than my own. I long for my room to feel like my haven again, and not my prison. They have each other, a pair, a partnership. I am the lonely third wheel.
expectations versus reality
2020 Expectations I quit my job, so now I will finally achieve my dream of becoming a freelance wine consultant/educator. There are so many opportunities for work, I can hardly decide which ones to choose! I’m also turning 30 this year, and I’m so excited for the 4-day extravaganza I have planned with all my friends. 2020 is going to be EPIC! Reality All work opportunities are either on hold or nonexistent. I spent my 30th birthday alone, trying to sleep off a raging fever. I’m currently still quarantined in my parents’ house, where I now live anyway, because I have no job. On the plus side, parental room service has been delivering avocado on toast every morning. 2020 is going to be the year I achieve peak millennial.
not all men are liars (cw: blood)
I have a blood disorder that’s in the hemophilia family, so my periods are horrendous. The one that started two days ago was particularly rough. Being so paranoid that putting it off would end in a trip to the hospital and horny but too nervous to continue fucking until I discovered why I was bleeding so much more than normal, I called for an appointment with my gynecologist (she’s helped with minor problems dealing with my blood disorder.) Luckily, I got in the same day. As my doctor asked the normal questions, I prepared myself for the “are you sure you’re not getting abused at home?” part of the script. I figured she’d ask because we (myself and my friend I was conveniently quarantined with) had been going pretty hard the past couple weeks-we’d built up sexual tension over the past few years, but had only recently acted on it. Well, instead, she asks if my new partner is on the larger side because my vaginal wall is torn. She asks if the intercourse had been recent, and the only response I could get out behind forced back laughter was, “quarantine”. So, during quarantine, I got my pussy torn up. Literally. When I returned home and he asked how I was, I repeated her diagnosis through laughs. He reminds me that earlier in the week he told me he’d split my pussy in half while fucking me from behind. Not all men are liars I guess. Now, I’m just self-examining on the daily, waiting to get my pussy wrecked again in a few days
half full
I am sitting here watching my 5 year old son eat ice cream in the sun, its been a better watch then watching netflix. I see a lot of people complaining, but we have shelter, are not yet infected and have the privilege to be eating 3 times a day. I am from India and I know this simple fact is not true for a great number of people. Do the wife and i get on each others nerves? yes but it is only temporary, we have migrated to europe and have faced so many, so...many struggles, this is nothing. Back in India, i have faced the bubonic plague, a riot, an earthquake, two floods (all roads blocked), two kids born without any family support..... this situation will pass and hopefully rich white old men will learn how not to be selfish assholes all the time and the rest of us realize how blessed we are.
taxing
My roommate's mom lives in another state but uses our address to avoid paying her state's income tax. A couple of weeks ago, she came to visit family and conduct some business. She visited several family members and did her business, then she came to our house and was going to go home from here. Normally, she only stays three or four days, but while she was here, my roommate found out that there was a very slight chance she had been exposed to the virus at work, so the visit got extended to the 14 day quarantine period. She set herself up on the couch and stayed there watching movies on her iPad and not cleaning up after herself. I can deal with all that, but the woman has been here a week and has worn the same clothes the entire time. Our living room reeks. Now, we're under a statewide stay at home order for 30 days. As soon as she heard that, she announced that she would be staying the 30 days because this is the address on her Driver's license, and she doesn't want to get in trouble for being out. My roommate asked me why I haven't been using the common areas of the apartment, and I told her. So, now, her mom is pissed, but she's still not leaving. I don't know how I'm going to live for a month with a stranger who is pissy and smelly.
sous chef
I'm the cook in the house for my wife and daughter (normally as well as during quarantine). Right now that means three meals a day, plus snacks, unless we try to support one of our local take out spots. Yesterday I gave my wife food poisoning. The girl and I were ok, just some mild stomach aches. But wow did she get it bad. Up most of the night, bad on both ends. She swore she would never eat again if she made it through. I suppose the moral is that it only took me 18 days to poison my wife, even "accidentally". That's better than I expected. Love ya honey (I promise).
keep us updated
A new roommate moved into my apartment at the end of February. He was cute but I didn't think anything of it. Well COVID-19 came along and changed that. We've been quarantined together and after three weeks of subtle flirting (my head on his lap while sitting on the couch, hanging out in my bed, insulting each other), he kissed me. I don't know if our feelings for each other are because we don't interact with anyone else or if it's because we genuinely get along. This is about to be very messy. On the bright side, we are following NYC Health's advice to limit sexual contact with our roommates!
crazy cat lady
I always joked I was going to be a crazy cat lady. Well, here I am, 35, newly single, and trapped in my small 2 bedroom condo with my two cats. It’s happening.
pyjamas the dog
PJ the D Yesterday, Pyjamas the dog came down the driveway with a slice of white bread in his mouth. I asked him where he got it, but he wouldn't tell me. Pyjamas the dog is my only live contact with the outside world. His visits are brief. Too brief. Why doesn't he want to stay longer for more pets? I think he has ADHD. I worry about Pyjamas.
dressing from home
We started dressing the cat in a (cat costume) business tie and taking pictures of him “Working From Home”.
wear whatever *you* want
I’ve been quarantined for 17 days. Every day i wake up, put on a sweater and a pair of clean lululemons, wash my face, and brush my Hair. My boyfriend is an executive chef. While i shudder at this job being “essential”, I’m glad we still have his income. Today was his first day off in 12 days . We have no groceries, so he suggested we go to Whole Foods. Great! I’m ready. but then it comes. “Are you going to change your sweater?” ”No babe, it’s clean!” I exclaim; excited to get out of the house in what feels like years. “Ok, well ......your hair?” I look in the mirror. i wasn’t insecure before, but now my curls are staring at me. This morning I gelled my hair back, even paying attention to my baby hairs. I’m perfumed and wearing $100 leggings. How can he make me feel Like this? “It’s just....you’ve been wearing leggings every day”. I’m realizing I’m in a global pandemic, and my boyfriend is concerned about my leggings and my hair. I’m not sure if he doesn’t understand the reality because he’s working, or what. But we’re in a pandemic, and I’m considering putting on jeans to go to Whole Foods.
three cheers for porn!
Having great dreams about an old hookup. They don’t even know I exist anymore I’m sure. I’m home alone. Make this stop.
the strength was already within you
I've lived with my boyfriend for 2 years. What started off as a favor to me has become a living hell. I'm a pretty chill person but he is always criticising me. Whether I put the sponge wrong side down on the sink or my perfume smells too "Persian". Literally everything is my fault. Needless to say I planned on leaving in 2 months when I graduated. Now classes are online and I'm stuck with him in a small apartment. Well, day 4 shelter in place we're eating dinner watching the news. I asked him to please turn up the TV. He says he can hear fine, what is wrong with me. I say I'm not him. I can't hear. He says if I "shut the f*#$ up" I'll hear. I stood up, walked over and slapped him. I have never hurt a living thing I'm my life but I lost it being cursed at. Long story short I'm packing my things and going to go isolate in a new place. Physical violence is never ok but neither is being cursed at. PS: I wish his new girlfriend luck. He is never happy, a yeller AND has penile phimosis. The Corona finally gave me the strength to do what I should have done a long time ago.
i miss him
When you and your boyfriend break up right before being quarantined and you both have to be in a Zoom meeting twice a week.... you and he: -can’t look at each other’s face (even though there’s no way to tell anyway) -are the only ones showered, hair done for a morning meeting -make secret facial expressions at each other -get up every few minutes to fix hair, fix face -can’t talk to each other because our significant others are next to us. I miss him.
the most fickle
Since my sister started working from home, her cat won't leave her alone. Even though she knows i'm available for hugs, she doesn't come to me anymore
a shallow well of courage
We stood in our kitchen, assembling burgers with everything we had left in the fridge and talking about my newly purchased pants. From here, somehow the conversation devolves into how my husband would 'never describe me as sexy.' He then digs deep inside himself to find the courage to ask me- his sexy, 27 year old wife- if I consider myself sexy? Which will last longer: his time in the dog house or this quarantine??
try and take care of yourself
I've been dating a guy for a little over 11 months and he has been sick for over a week He has had a fever, nausea, chills, body aches, vomiting, diarrhea etc. We suspect its COVID-19 and he's self-isolating. He's been to urgent care twice and the emergency room once (Btw, I only found out yesterday/today about these visits) The doctors won't test him as he's not severe enough, he's to self-quarantine for 14 days. He is miserable but will hardly take any of my suggestions for alternative treatments. My sister has a PhD in infectious diseases and offering sage advice to help him. When I have managed to get him to agree to let me bring him: vitamins, smoothies, soup, herbal treatments etc. He barely says thank-you or show any real appreciation. He also won't take the herbs which were very expensive. OK but why accept them?? He will not have any physical contact with me (We each live alone) which is okay as we have to self-isolate, but I thought we could at least provide emotional support to each other. NOT. He doesn't check in with me to tell me how he's doing or to find out how I'm doing? And when I call him, he tells me to pretty much don't bother him as he needs to rest. When I called yesterday as I was concerned because I didn't hear from him all day and was worried; he told me he was asleep and that he didn't have to be in touch with me to update me on the status of his health, WTF?? Today, I texted him a bunch of scientific studies via YouTube and Instagram on alternative treatments and he told me my text were so annoying he turned off his phone. He told me there was nothing that could be done as there are no vaccines and he just has to "ride it" out. And that he had to get off the phone as he needed his rest. He has stopped texting and calling me all together and will barely respond to any of my calls or text when I reach out to him. But if he needs financial support; I certainly will hear from him all day long. I've loaned him SEVERAL thousands of dollars recently due to a job demotion. At this point, I'm ending the relationship NOW as he doesn't seem to care about me or my genuine concern for him. I thought we were in a relationship and that we cared about each other?? The COVID-19 Pandemic has awaken me to the reality that I'm not in a relationship at all. Its clear he has been using me. I'm ending things now. I won't be taking his calls anymore either and I guarantee when rent is due, I'll be hearing from him. He can talk to my voicemail as he's getting blocked. I will pray for his recovery but I can't be bothered any longer.