you’re the ali larter

I've been in a very emotionally charged relationship with a married man (I know, I'm not proud of it) for nearly three years. We would talk on the phone multiple times a day before the quarantine and see each other often, even if it was just to grab coffee. My heart hurts that I don't get to see him or hear him as often, but this situation is shining a light on the fact that I want and deserve a partner who will commit 100% to me. He's my best friend and I would absolutely love this time living together in a parallel universe, but sadly I've never felt as alone as I do now. I'm never doing this again. I deserve love and commitment - a true partnership ALL of the time, not just part time.

home rules

I am 34 weeks pregnant and attempting to work from home with a 4 and 6 year old. Today marked the beginning of our “school at home” journey since schools are closed for at least two more months. Let’s just say there was a lot more Disney than common core happening today.

sex and death 101

I live on a tiny island with 300 people. My mum died a month and a half ago and I broke up with my ex of a year and a half just before xmas. I started seeing a fling from my past and invited him to come stay with me hoping to be as discreet as possible so as not to look like a heartless monster. We are both currently stuck cohabiting as his living arrangements have fallen through on the mainland. We have no money. He is getting restless and I am getting annoyed at his living habits. We are having a tremendous amount of great sex at least.

bad luck 4 2 buck chuck

I live in LA and my BF of 3 years lives in Newport. I drove down to his place to WFH and had the most amazing quarantine time. I bonded with his friends and roommates, enjoyed the nice breaks of warm sun and many more White Claws and wine than I'd like to admit.

I joked with him Saturday "Are you getting enough of me yet?" to which he laughed and replied, "Nope!" We enjoyed each other's company and felt so good. Our time together for the few days of quarantine were magical, it was almost like we turned back time to how we were when we first started dating. I felt nothing could beat it and this was what we needed to get our relationship back on track.

Welp, come Saturday night and a few games of beer pong later, I'm in trouble. Apparently I am celebrating with my teammates (BF's BFF and roommate) more than I was with my opponent (BF and his other teammate). Guess the Whiteclaws made me too friendly? I get a text message that night from BF asking me to leave.

After cleaning the place that night, I sent myself to bed and we exchanged a few more text messages (rather than talking in person, of course) and things went not-so-pretty. When we wake up next to each other on Sunday, I ask if we can talk. He abruptly replies, "No, I want you out of the house." So that was it. I packed up my things and left without him even saying anything more.

Since then, I've sent multiple messages with no response.

Now not only am I alone during a pandemic, I might no longer have a BF at the end of this quarantine. Plus... I left my few bottles of Trader Joe's wine behind.

tell him

Over the last six months I’ve experienced some life-altering things - all of which have made me question my 7 year relationship with my boyfriend, whom I live with. I was all set and ready to have the conversation with him, and then this virus hits. I’m now stuck in quarantine (with JUST HIM) feeling guilty about this thought in the back of my mind CONSTANTLY. Things would be easier if we were at each other’s throats TBH. Instead, he tells me every day how happy he is to be in quarantine with me and it makes me want to DIE.

american football

My boyfriend used to play professional football. He was a quarterback for my city's arena team when we met. Today we were having a catch in the living room with a wool dryer ball. He asked if he could throw it "hard" with his left hand, he's right-handed. I agreed.

I didn't make the catch. The dryer ball hit my face. Broke my glasses. Cut my eyebrow. Just another COVID Monday.

friends with diplomatic benefits

I’ve been seeing this boy since November. We got into a fight and went on a break before he left for a family trip to Peru. He was supposed to come home the 17, but Peru declared martial law and closed their borders. So now I’ve been helping him and his family get back to the US. I’ve spoken and emailed over 20 politicians, orgs, and lawyers. But as of yet still no clue if we are in relationship.

dirtiness is next to me

I am about to lose my shit. I came to visit my bf because I got laid off and he still works. He works at a bank and refuses to wash his hands unless I beg him. He’s 31 years old. Get it together buddy! I’m afraid he’s endangering my health and I’m not sure if I should just go home and be alone through all of this.

what will the water tell me

My best friend of 12 years lives 20 minutes away and I enjoy going there to smoke that dank and do adolescent suburb shit. (We're nearing 30).

We had a great weekend where I brought my DJ gear to the house to practice(ignoring his request to Clorox every input, knob and fader.) and then drove out to walk around one of the state parks on a windy cyberpunk day.

I got a text from him this morning saying "Hey man, let's not meet in person for the next month. Let's just play online!"

A younger me would have taken this as an obvious passive attack on our relationship, the ultimate betrayal, however, current me is "I can respect that wish".

He and his fiance are planning on getting married late 2020. COVID-19 is planning on staying for a while.

I wonder what the plans for my youth are; I'll have to take a walk by the river and ask.

spoonful of sweetness

My little brother is 15. He’s the last sibling that resides in Miami with our parents and I in Orlando. He doesn’t answer my calls often and doesn’t call me back. He’s at the adolescent age of friends friends friends. Since social distancing and quarantine became a requirement my brother has called me everyday. Not necessarily saying anything but asking when I’m coming home. I’m going home today to spend sometime with him. Thank you Coronavirus.

also known as a buster

In January, while on holiday in Bali with my best friends and boyfriend, I found out that my flatmate was moving out. I asked BF (of 7 months) to move in with me because things seemed to be going so well between us.

He hemmed and hawed for a full month, then told me he'd 'decided not to decide' about it. Then, after some deep discussions and my obvious upset, he agreed to move in and we started making plans. Two days later he told me that he wasn't accusing me of making things up or lying but that he'd never agreed to move in.

I broke up with him.

I am so so so so glad that I left this idiot and got an amazing new flatmate to live in my beautiful home, and I must admit, even happier that my ex is now stuck in his hovel shoebox of a flat all by his lonesome.

8 first dates

First date started on Sunday, the 15th of March, and just ended on the 21st. Ides be damned, the Quarantine forced the following:

Day 1 Splurge in Malibu. Flirting. Full face of make up. Blow dried hair. Cute outfit. Made out. Didn’t put out.
Day 2 Can’t recall any details. Didn’t put out. Makeup. Dry shampoo.
Day 3 Oatmeal in the am, maybe? Wine. Blow job and snuggles. Didn’t put out. Tinted moisturizer. More dry shampoo. Glasses.
Day 4 Shake Shack and making out. Wine. Not used to co-sleeping with him, so I over heated and soaked the bed in sweat in response to the extra heat. Didn’t put out, obviously, as we were sleeping in a moat. No makeup. Washed my hair. Established a match lighting system for pooping.
Day 5 Shaved his back. Wine. Fargo. Soaked the bed in sweat. Again. Broke out in a heat rash in response to the sweating. He helped me take pics of said rash to send to my doctor friend. Didn’t put out. Didn’t get dressed at all. He didn’t shower. Brushed our teeth.
Day 6 Fight in the car - trapped. Static. I didn’t want to hear crisis headlines and he insisted on informing me. Didn’t put out. Fully feral.
Day 7 He left only because he thought he was getting fat on my cooking. Didn’t put out.
Day 8 Discovered a bunch of shit he forgot at my place on the back of the door, reached out. We decided we miss each other.


To be continued

water is thicker

I'd just poured the last of the water in the pitcher for my daughter. So I refilled it and set it down next to my empty glass to wait for it to filter. When I turned to pour it...it was gone. My husband had taken the pitcher, filled HIS glass, left mine empty and returned it to the fridge. This sparked a 20 minute argument. I guess you could say this is a glass completely empty situation I'm living in.

all is fair in-laws and war

So we were actually just visiting for a weekend 10ish days ago to the Northeast (which was planned before CV had arrived to the US)... and we are still stuck here at my boyfriend’s parents’ house... In the basement. And not leaving home anytime soon it seems. (I mean did you see the video of the tanks being brought in? Ugh)

I work from home everyday, and essentially don’t ever leave this house... as it’s located in a fairly rural part of the state. Suffice to say I’m going stir-crazy. I flipped out on him today for burning bacon in his mother’s oven which I’m pretty sure will choose 200 or 500 degrees on its own. He almost finished the fried rice I made and I wanted to stab him for even considering it. We played a game of scrabble and after correcting about 7 misspelled words he says... “well this is why I didn’t want to play scrabble with you” and I screamed “WHY?? IS IT BECAUSE I’M SMARTER THAN YOU???!!” I also almost walked out with my suitcase packed and dog in my arm when he implied that my butt is a bit bigger than it used to be.

If the virus doesn’t get us... hopefully we don’t kill each other in the interim. Pray for us all. And our butts.

slobbering on main

Quarantine has turned me into some kind of lesser creature. All I want to do is eat, sleep, and fuck my boyfriend (which he is thrilled about). We are, against all better judgement, still having two friends over weekly for game night-- all of us are otherwise fully social distancing and most of us are losing it being cooped up, so it's a calculated bad decision. Last weekend one of those friends stayed over to drink and crashed on the couch and he for sure heard BF and I having sex after. The other of those friends is constantly hitting on my boyfriend, and is someone BF and I have talked about a theoretical threesome with, even though they also have a partner. The partner in question might be leaving town to quarantine with their parents, however, which I'm imagining would prompt the friend to spend more time with us. They would never cheat, but the scenario is catnip for the thirsty imagination.

This week my boyfriend also alluded out of the blue to being open to ethical nonmonogamy (specifically, that he'd be okay with me sleeping with other people) which is a big ole "what" that I need to circle back around to, but thinking is very hard right now. It feels like college again: time and social norms are fake, everyone is exuding trashy unstable vibes, and I see sex everywhere.

Basically: no arguments or breakups here, just The Horny melting my brain.

scour the pots and scrape the pans, candy the yams and spice the hams

My work from home space is next to our kitchen. I've discovered my gf and her daughter take an extremely long time and make an obscene amount of noise to prepare the smallest of snacks. Like, more time and noise than I require to prepare an entire meal for the family. Every drawer has to be opened and rummaged through, every package shaken and moved. This can go on for 30 minutes to an hour. Then, I'll wander in, and what have they got? A friggin glass of ice water or a peanut butter sandwich. smh. For all that effort and commotion I'm expecting lasagna or something. But, I'm the only one who cooks. It'd be cute if it wasn't so irritating.

house hunters

We have been struggling for a few months now. Funny thing is that just when COVID struck Mexico we had this huge moment where we realized that this wasn’t working anymore. So I decided I needed to move out of the house, not necessarily break up, but just live apart. The thing is that it's really hard to find a new home when everyone is quarantined.

big blerg energy

my boyfriend went to visit his siblings in a town four hours south - halfway between us and his sibs. they were supposed to be gone a week - and then sf was locked down - so they all decided to stay there until may now. woah. talk about social distancing. here solo now, wondering if we’ll ever see each other again and who is gonna eat all this food we bought before he left. i guess facetime helps - but being held while i read the news would also help. blerg.

grey areas

I’m having to quarantine with my ex husband. We split months ago but are sharing the house until it sells. We are distant, not even cordial, choosing to text each other about pertinent house issues rather than speaking in person.
We’ve been on lock down for a week now and yesterday he noticed I didn’t have any pasta sauce and without a word, handed me a jar full.
We really dislike each other but I’m hoping that this forced time together will remind us that we don’t have to. I don’t want him back.... but I don’t want to leave with hate in my heart either.

bad vibrations

I haven’t spend this much time at home with my husband in 5 years. I have convinced myself that all of his farts are just my phone vibrating. It’s the only thing holding us together.